Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
AMBROSE BIERCEVote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
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The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
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Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
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Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
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The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
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Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.
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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
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Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
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Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
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Scriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
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