Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHTFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT