“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I want to convey to women across the globe that they aren’t weak. They can fight for themselves and get justice.

I’ve not been paid millions of pounds for any fights. I’ve not made any money out of boxing.

I am very happy that Floyd Mayweather and I can give the fans the fight they have wanted for so many years.

Fighters are never who they appear to be.

I don’t have to fight if I don’t want to.

That’s my gift. I let that negativity roll off me like water off a duck’s back. If it’s not positive, I didn’t hear it. If you can overcome that, fights are easy.

I’m a fighting man, a fighting man with generations of fighting men before me in my family. That’s all we do: we fight.

I was always the popular kid that everyone hated. There was no reason for anyone to hate me. I never really did anything wrong. They just didn’t like me, so I had to fight back all the time.