“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”

If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!

I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.

I feel some part of me can wake up and be very existential and the next day wake up and be sort of in love with the universe.

People hire me to create some kind of archetype or some culture type, or something. I guess they accept whatever I come up with.

Truth is, I’ve always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

To me, “sexual freedom” means freedom from having to have sex.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it’s much too confining.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

The road to success is always under construction.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Words – so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.

Rest assured, as long as I am alive any book purporting to be with my cooperation is a falsehood.

In the books I read the sinners are always more interesting than the saints, and in real life good people are dismally dull. I’ve no desire to be wicked, but I do want to be happy. A short life and a gay one for me and I’m willing to pay for my pleasure if it is necessary.

When one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language.

Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it.

He who destroys a good book kills reason itself.

Some books are so familiar that reading them is like being home again.

My book came out; and people began to think that topsy-turvy Louisa would amount to something after all.