“I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.”

I don’t have any ambition.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

You can’t love your team without hating another team.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

Action comedy, if you can get it right, it is, for me, a particularly brilliant genre. It really is.

When I do comedy, I lose all inhibition and introspection. I no longer care.

People who know me , they know I have a sense of humor, I’m a bit of a joker, a bit of a clown really, and I would love someone to exploit that side of me and send me a romantic comedy.

Doing drama is, in a sense, easier. In doing comedy, if you don’t get that laugh, there’s something wrong.

I don’t think Hollywood knows what to do with me. I would imagine that when it comes to romantic comedies, my name would be pretty low down on the list.

Every student of comedy should see Dame Edna at least twice.

Anyone can write. But comedy, you’ve got to do some writing. You get one comedy script to every 20 dramas.

In terms of the romantic kind of lead, I just never enjoy those movies very much. Maybe they’ll come to interest me more as I get older. I doubt it, but maybe. Romantic comedies tend to be, for me, an oxymoron.