A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT






