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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

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Bacteria Culture People

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Alcohol Myself Photograph Thinking Woman
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Education Funny Myself Perfection Practice Stop Teacher
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Future One Liner Planning
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Appearance Funny Hairs Stick
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Animal Funny Herself Laughter Milk
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Memories Myself Past Thinking
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Company Game Myself Thinking Wrong
$Steven Wright Quote - Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.$

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mathematics People Trouble
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Dog Himself Myself Return
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Drive Learning Yourself
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Children Friendship Himself
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself

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