Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT