“A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.”

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I don’t have any ambition.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

You can’t love your team without hating another team.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

Opportunity expands when there is excellence and choice in education, when taxes are lowered, when every citizen has affordable, portable health insurance and when constitutional freedoms are preserved.

Until we reach equality in education, we can’t reach equality in the larger society.

Petting is the study of the anatomy in braille.

Common sense is seeing things as they are; and doing things as they ought to be.

The lessons one learns at school are not always the ones the school thinks it’s teaching.

Education is the investment our generation makes in the future.

I pledge to you today that as president, in my first budget, I will introduce the largest increase in special education ever.

The choices of roles I made had to do with educating and entertaining. And as a result I found myself working only every two or three years.