In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
NORM MACDONALDImprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
NORM MACDONALD