Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT






