Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT