“Now, look, baby, ‘Union’ is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.”

Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

A liberal is a man who leaves the room before the fight starts.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

A girl’s best friend is her mutter.

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

They sicken of the calm who know the storm.

His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.

Telegram to a friend who had just become a mother after a prolonged pregnancy: Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.

You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

The only dependable law of life – everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.

There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

The cleverest woman on earth is the biggest fool on earth with a man.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

The proper definition of a man is an animal that writes letters.

I don’t know how to write love letters.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Read my letter to the old folks, and give my love to them, and tell my brothers to be always watching unto prayer, and when the good old ship of Zion comes along, to be ready to step aboard.

The day I got my first letter from a fan, I felt like I’d been touched by an angel.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

The Holy Scriptures are our letters from home.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.