“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

But I don’t give up; I forget why not.

[On being shown an apartment by a real estate agent:] Oh, dear, that’s much too big. All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

A liberal is a man who leaves the room before the fight starts.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

A girl’s best friend is her mutter.

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

They sicken of the calm who know the storm.

His voice was as intimate as the rustle of sheets.

Telegram to a friend who had just become a mother after a prolonged pregnancy: Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.

You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

The only dependable law of life – everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

My mom says I’m not allowed to move out, but I’m allowed. I said I have to FaceTime her every night to make dinner with her because I won’t be able to do it myself. So she said she’ll accept it if I do that.

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

Every prayer is a need or a lack of something. That’s why the rich man doesn’t ask for food, but for good health throughout the year.

I’ma make sure the family keep a decent meal, no matter what I got to do or who I got to kill.

The only best way to prove that a statue can’t provide for you is to ask it for food.

It was a very emotional dinner. Everyone shared personal stories about her and gave her words of encouragement and inspiration. Everyone tried to remain positive.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.