At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS