Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS