“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Courtesy dictates that we offer fellow wizards the opportunity of denying us entry.

I will prepare and some day my chance will come.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Another day, another opportunity to prove everyone who doubts you wrong.

Adversity always presents opportunities for introspection.

Most people ignore opportunities because they see only danger. Entrepreneurs ignore danger because they see only opportunities.

If you had one shot, or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?

I believe most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.