I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Better laid than never.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS






