Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSJust remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERS