I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSPut me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS






