Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Better laid than never.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS