The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS