Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERSI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERS