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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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