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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

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  When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

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  Every picture of you is when you were younger.

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  I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

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  An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

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  I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

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  I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

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  I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

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  I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

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  I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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  Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

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  You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

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  I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

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  I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

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  An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

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  I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

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• 

  Why are there no “during” pictures?

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