Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG