I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG