Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDSTake me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS