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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

W. C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS

Choice Inspirational Yourself
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

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