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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

W. C. Fields

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

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