Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
TIM ALLENI am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
TIM ALLEN






