Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
TIM ALLENBe wary of listening to stories secondhand.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLEN