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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
TIM ALLEN

Area Avoid Comment Togetherness Woman
I have a thing for tools.
TIM ALLEN

Myself Tools
My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
TIM ALLEN

Death Father Foundation Nature Reminder
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy One Liner Ultimate
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
TIM ALLEN

Children Drive License Protection Requirement
Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
TIM ALLEN

Drink Money Oneself Party Rich Wealth
The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
TIM ALLEN

Hate Level Lover Place Religious World
My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy Gift Intelligence Myself Smart
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
TIM ALLEN

Dangerous Floor Ground Himself Stick
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLEN

Appearance Brilliant Funny Head Shower Weird Woman Yourself
I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
TIM ALLEN

Consider Funny Phone Technology
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy Decision Himself Judgement Sentence Serious Stand
Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
TIM ALLEN

Instruction Man Manufacturer Reality Togetherness
When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
TIM ALLEN

Meaning Opposite Smart Yourself
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
TIM ALLEN

Audience Easy Hurt Myself Time
I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
TIM ALLEN

Existence Goodness Live Myself Relationship

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

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