Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLENI grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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