My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
TIM ALLENI used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
TIM ALLEN