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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

Norm MacDonald

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
NORM MACDONALD

Confidence Easy Man Temptation Violence
I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
NORM MACDONALD

Cook Intelligence Man Myself Thankful Woman
As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
NORM MACDONALD

Body Heart Occasion Passion Soul Tranquility
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
NORM MACDONALD

Battle Day Death Funny Hospital Man Myself Old Sick
I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
NORM MACDONALD

End Fantasy Friendship Love Order Politics Simplicity Sports World
Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
NORM MACDONALD

Activity Ambition Energy Greatness Happiness
It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
NORM MACDONALD

Deep Necessary Tolerance
There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
NORM MACDONALD

Advice Avoid Determination Distance Himself Man Opinion Pursue
All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
NORM MACDONALD

Death Life Money Myself People Thinking Try
Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
NORM MACDONALD

Form Jealous Philosophy Sweet
When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
NORM MACDONALD

Acceptance Audience Goodness People
The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
NORM MACDONALD

Action Affect Deep Future Ourselves Regret
They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
NORM MACDONALD

Afraid Dog Funny Identity Myself Reality Worry
The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
NORM MACDONALD

Imperfection Man Ourselves Praise Seek Virtue
Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
NORM MACDONALD

Alcohol Bad Drink Hard Time Life
I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
NORM MACDONALD

Enough Funny Myself Natural Reality Sound

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

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