It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
NORM MACDONALDSome men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
NORM MACDONALD