I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG






