A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGI’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG