I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG






