I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG






