I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG