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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

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  I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

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  I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

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  Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

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  I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

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  When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

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  I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

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  I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

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  An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

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  I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

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