An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG






