I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG