My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG