Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG