Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERSI’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS