I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERSI’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS -
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS -
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS -
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS -
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS -
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS