If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS