I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS






