To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS






