My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Better laid than never.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS