Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS -
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS