Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSI said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS -
Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS -
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS