I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERSI said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Better laid than never.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS -
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS -
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS -
There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS -
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS -
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERS -
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS






