I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Better laid than never.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS