I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS