Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS