Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS