I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Better laid than never.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS