I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS -
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS