If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS