I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSA man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS