Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERSA man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Better laid than never.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERS






