On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSWe all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS