Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERSKeep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERSBo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSMoving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERSYou know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERSI use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSComediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERSThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSHere’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERSIf you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERSEdgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERSNothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERSIf you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS