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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

Joan Rivers

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS

Dog Funny Study Young
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Man Mistake Woman
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS

Goodness Hands Library Look Men Woman
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS

Black Friendship Himself Myself Possible Race
Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Hard Move Old Target
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Hairs Myself See Time
If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERS

Fashion Military Ugly Yourself
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS

Hell Holy Water
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS

Fools Laughter Yourself
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS

Date Fashion Marriage Mom Myself
Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERS

Annoy Children Talk Time Yourself
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS

Bed Hate Myself Start Yourself
Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS

Better One Liner Sex
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS

Husband Love Myself Pain Sex Tough Wild
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS

Death Food Funny Greatness Myself

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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