I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSNothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS