Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERS