I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS -
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERS -
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERS -
Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS -
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS -
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS -
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS -
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERS -
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS