On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS






