Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS