I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERSWhen you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS






