With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
JOAN RIVERSIf you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS