If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERSIf you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS






