We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
JOAN RIVERSEdgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Better laid than never.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERS