I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSWhen my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERSThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERSLife is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERSOld age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERSSome women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERSI enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERSHappiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERSYou know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERSGrandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERSI was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERSElizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS