black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Joan Rivers

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS

Day Expectation Life Yourself
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Early Memories Myself Parents
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS

Dog Funny Study Young
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Greatness Marriage People Scare
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Guilty Herself Humor Letter Mother Myself People Sorry
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS

Goodness Hands Library Look Men Woman
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS

Darkness Hard Time Optimism Positive Present Success Thinking
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERS

Enjoyment Philosophy Yourself
If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERS

Fashion Military Ugly Yourself
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS

Age Breathe Funny Happiness Inspiration One Liner
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Love Man Woman
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Herself Stupidity Understand War World
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Fashion Feeling Funny Gift Memories Old Yourself

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Joan Rivers Quotes