I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERSMoney can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS