At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERSMoney can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS