I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS