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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Boxing Chess Computer Defeat Game Myself Sports Technology
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS

Black Hands Myself Purpose Wife
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS

Forgiveness God Myself Steal Work
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS

Business Call Mindset Myself Name Neck
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPS

Confidence Earth Myself Oneself Purpose
People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS

Concern Myself People Reproduction
I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPS

Evolution Goodness Myself Thankful
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS

Comedy See Television Way Woman Yourself
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS

Calm Electricity Myself Work
They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS

Achievement Allowance Beach Myself
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPS

Concept Gift God Myself Thinking
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPS

Friendship Myself Surgery
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS

Item Language Learning Luxury Myself

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

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