My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS