When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS