My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS