When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSI picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS