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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Emo Philips

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS

Bad Myself Rich Wealth
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPS

Competition Decision Magic Theory
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS

Difference Make Up Myself Notice Pay Return
My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS

Eyes Man Myself Relationship
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive People Silence Tough
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS

Caress Head Myself Night Respond
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPS

Body Corpse Myself Often
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
EMO PHILIPS

Hate Meet Myself People
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Boxing Chess Computer Defeat Game Myself Sports Technology
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPS

Concept Gift God Myself Thinking
Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Clothes Fashion Yourself
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPS

Home Myself Parents Rule Strict
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS

Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

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Popular Authors

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