New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS