How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS