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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

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Magazine Myself News Nude Stand

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS

Difference Make Up Myself Notice Pay Return
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS

Bed Best Friendship Myself Wife
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS

Appointment Calendar Mom Myself
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS

Forgiveness God Myself Steal Work
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS

Computer Intelligence Thinking
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPS

Body Corpse Myself Often
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS

Leather Morning Worth
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPS

Age Courage Myself School Time
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS

Carpet Game Man Oneself
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS

Charge Devil Herself Himself Lesson Thinking
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS

Drop Food Funny Myself Relationship Spoon
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPS

Confidence Earth Myself Oneself Purpose
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS

Forever Myself Mystery Reminder
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself

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