I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS