I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS






