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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

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Magazine Myself News Nude Stand

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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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Bed Best Friendship Myself Wife
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Calm Electricity Myself Work

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