My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS