“Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.”

I believe young voters will either vote for Obama or not vote at all. So the problem is not Obama the problem is the system. If you think about how mess up this country is, most folk really don’t have choices.

I tell people, ‘If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.’

Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don’t have the ability to be lovable.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don’t know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It’s not enough, but it helps.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago, it’s a sport.

Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can’t afford it.

Once I realized the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

You hear entertainers all the time, saying, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for this, I’d do it for free.’ When’s the last time you ever heard a business person say, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I’d do it for free?’

To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.

I tell people, ‘If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.’

Even though he understood the depths of racism and black oppression, Ali lived his life as a free man—a free loving and lovable man.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

Some days I would go without any fire at all, and eat raw frozen meat and melt snow in my mouth for water.

When the food at home is so tasty, why go out and eat?

But if you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I think I am living for.

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I think you were my taste of heaven after a lifetime of eating hell.

I will do anything to look like him – except, of course, exercise or eat right.