“One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.”

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Did you know that in New Orleans they still have brown bag parties? What’s that, you ask? You and I go to a party, and when we get to the door, there’s a brown bag hanging down from the ceiling, and if our skin is darker than the brown bag, we can’t go in.

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

There’s a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

It’s cool to be healthy.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes – those are conditions brought about by lifestyle. If you change the lifestyle, those conditions will leave.

You know, I always say white is not a color, white is an attitude, and if you haven’t got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don’t need, you can’t be white.

I’m not a comic. I’m a humorist.

When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete’s feet don’t exist, there’s something wrong.

Home was a place to be only when all other places were closed.

There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up.

I believe young voters will either vote for Obama or not vote at all. So the problem is not Obama the problem is the system. If you think about how mess up this country is, most folk really don’t have choices.

I tell people, ‘If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.’

When all your desires are distilled; You will cast just two votes: To love more, And be happy.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

Whose happiness is so firmly established that he has no quarrel from any side with his estate of life?

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Alms in secret extinguish the wrath of the Lord’ means you are so immersed in sincerity and in preserving that sincerity that you have no pleasure in giving alms.

It is the inalienable right of all to be happy.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Seriously. I’m not playing to prove anything to journalists. I’m playing for myself, for my fans,to make people happy.