“It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.”

There are no I’s in we but there are two i’s in Wii.

I don’t know why femininity should be associated with weakness. Women should be free to express who they are without thinking, ‘I need to act like a man, or I need to tone it down to be successful.’ That’s a very good way to keep women down.

You get a lot of people requesting photographs but I tend to keep myself to myself, pull my cap down.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, ‘you don’t mention that part here.’ But that’s what’s interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, ‘Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.’ It literally was a drive-by.

We don’t measure our people’s success in how they’re doing in government. We measure how they are doing in the real world and the private sector economy.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

It’s okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.

He suffered from paralysis by analysis.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that’s how he dealt with my mom.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person.

An inch of progress is worth more than a yard of complaint.

What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I went to school to be an actor in Canada and realized I hated auditions once I left, which is a huge problem if you want to get a part.

I don’t mind being identified as any character as long as I’m doing a good job as an actor. I have done all kinds of roles – from an editor, judge, police officer, murderer to a corrupt businessman.

I ask you: turn a deaf ear to the special interests. Let politics stand down for a while. don’t waste anytime thinking about future elections until we’ve done our jobs here.

Central and western Pennsylvania has one of the best workforces in the country and this will provide job training, new skills and additional resources for those trying to find a job.

I’ve never felt my job was to win basketball games – rather, that the essence of my job as a coach was to do everything I could to give my players the background necessary to succeed in life.

The only thing I would change is during the summer – when I was working my summer job, if I was smart, I would have taken flying lessons at Auburn.

The really authentic thing about humor is that anyone can pretend to be serious. Anyone who’s ever had a job – in fact, we’re pretending to be serious now, more or less.

People have a pathway to citizenship right now: It’s to abide by the immigration laws, and if they have a family relationship, if they have a job skill that allows them to do that, they can obtain citizenship.

Retrain, rehire into higher paying and value-added jobs? That may be the political myth of the modern era. There aren’t enough of those jobs.